'My Story'

So recently, I've seen a few people post these on instagram. I find it quiet difficult to go full depth on insta because you're very much limited to how much you can post.
I have done one of these before, a few months back which I posted on my old IG 'HappyDaisy_' some of you might remember it, I deleted it but later posted it on my tumblr (which I'll like below if you want to read that one) but any who, I've decided to rewrite it because there was soooo much I missed out and I can write as freely as I like on here so yeah:) this could be long so pre apologies for that, but I hope you like it :)

I'll go back to when I was 15/16, I was a pretty average girl, had a fair amount of friends, enjoyed socialising, loved food, make-up, clothes, the same as any other teenage girl. However it was around this age that I began to become very aware of the way I looked, Going into year 10 I decided to take dance as an option- bare in mind you do this every single day (sometimes twice a day) every single week, you spend so much time with each other, and the dance studio was just covered in mirrors. I despised looking at myself in them, I felt embarrassed by the way I looked. Every other girl was skinny, pretty and popular. Despite these thoughts I never really acted upon them. It wasn't until May 2013- when I left year 11 for study leave that I began to gain a lot of weight, I wasn't exercising any more, I ate all day everyday. I got a new job which was working in a cafe, this meant more food and more weight gain.. until suddenly I was a week away from going back to sixth form and I realised that none of my clothes no longer fitted me and I had to go up a dress size in order to feel comfortable in my clothes.

September 2013 was when I decided to download the my fitness pal app, it was no biggie to me, I logged my meals and snacks etc, I became more aware of snacking and cut back slightly. For what I was logging (and when I look back on it I majorly under estimated it hahah) I was consuming around 1700 calories. No dramtic changes were happening. I was feeling more and more low about my weight and some nights I would just cry and cry and cry, I wasn't happy. And bareing in mind my best friend was naturally stick thin, It probably made me feel bigger!

Pretty much my highest weight
So after a few months of drifting into this so called 'diet' I was scrolling through twitter one night and saw this picture, It was called 'The 10 Day Challenge' this consisted of aiming to eat under 500 calories, exercise for 1 hours, drinking 2 litres of water and sleeping for 8 hours a day. I remember the first day I started this, I went to London with my friends and we were sitting in McDonalds, they were both eating big meals and I just drank water! I couldn't help but feel in control for once, and It made me happy. The day went on and I still didn't eat, the week went on and I continued to stick to the strict diet. The 10 days were up and I thought it was so easy so I decided to continue with it. My best friend warned me it was a bad idea but I just refused to believe her.

I remember about a month later, one of my friends came down to see me who I hadn't seen in a while, they were so shocked about how much weight I had lost but I just genuinely couldn't see it. Although it made me feel go about myself. Christmas was soon approaching and nothing had changed, I was still restricting massively, exercising at school, at home whenever I got the chance. I let myself go on Christmas day and ate whatever I wanted but I couldn't help but feel extremely guilty. In the New Year we went to centre parks for a few nights, It was soo much fun, however the more I think about it, the more I realise I didn't have fun at all, the only thing that was on my mind was exercise and finding ways to not eat. Quiet sad really.

Throughout these months I never weighed myself, I didn't have scales. The only thing I could do was measure my waist/thighs/arms etc, I look back on it and its scary how small I got, so quickly. I went from a size 14 in November, to a size 8 by February. Everyone at school began voicing there concern about my weight loss, which confused me because I never saw myself getting smaller. In February, I'd gone back to my job which I'd started last August (It was seasonal) they were all shocked when they saw me, my uniform no longer fitted me and people were saying they barely recognised me. By this time I was no longer getting my periods, my hair was falling out dramatically and I was freezing 24/7.
Few Kg off my lowest

My mum became concerned when she realised I was no longer getting my periods and took me to the doctors, she weighed me and measured me and I was still healthy so not much was said. I went back a month later and I'd lost more weight, I was quickly referred to a Nurse/Therapist who visited me every week to be weighed and discuss my intake etc. During May, I went through a short phase of binging, where I would binge near enough everyday, I gained a few pounds and suddenly went back to restricting, I lost a lot of weight and soon got pulled out for school a month before we broke up. I used to have to go see my mum every lunch time and eat lunch with her, which was usually a small jam sandwich and fruit. I was kidding myself thinking I was recovering. This continued all throughout June/July/August and I soon got down to me lowest weight, I became very depressed and suicidal, I couldn't bare going out with people, or even walking down the street in fear of seeing someone I knew, the only time I left the house was to go to work or out with my family.

My work became very concerned about how little I was eating, I was then supervised at breakfast and lunch by my manager, I was threatened my the boss, saying I'm going to be a danger to myself and I might no longer have a job any more, I remember crying my eyes out in a cafe full of customers, My mum and dad were away at the time, so I just felt so lonely and depressed. I remember my friend coming in to see me one day, who I hadn't seen in so long. He was genuinely shocked at how ill I looked, but It still never occurred to me that I needed to gain weight.

During my relapse
I had many arguments with my bother, mum, dad, people at work, but nothing was changing. The discussion for inpatient soon happened and by the end of September I went in for an assessment. I can honestly say, I was one of the worst experiences of my life. It's the hardest thing in the world for me to show emotion to people but the lady genuinely made me so angry I wanted to scream her. 3 hours later and I was free from the prison, it then occurred to me that I didn't want to spend months in that hell hole, I then made the decision to recover properly. With the support from my family, and the amazing people from instagram I soon found a way to enjoy food and enjoy life again.

However, by October things had already begun to get difficult, I went to a Halloween party and one of my best friends brought his girlfriend (she apparently used to have anorexia) and before I knew it I was getting messages from my friend saying that I'd triggered her into starving herself again. She hated me but at the same time became obsessed with me. I found her tumblr and she wrote things like 'why cant I be her, she's perfect' It truly broke me and I started restricting quiet drastically again. During the midst of all of this, I had also got a new job.. at Morrisons. I think a new start was what I needed in recovery because my old job just held so many triggering memories, it just wasn't helping.

A few months went by, I was enjoying my new job- although finding it difficult, I managed to get out of my relapse and soon enough things got shitty again, But in the other direction, I started binging again, I was rapidly gaining weight and finally hit a healthy weight by my birthday. I was 18 now and things started to change, I no longer saw CAMHS or my nurse, my mum didnt get involved with the adult services and I felt more alone than ever. I'd also left sixth form because I felt so distant from it all, my family no longer believed I had an ED and convinced me not to go to my therapy sessions any more.. and as the months have drifted by things have been weird. Some days will be so care free and others will be so difficult. The only thing on my mind was that I want to lose weight, and no matter how hard I tried It just wasn't going anywhere.

I also made the decision to become veggie.. and the more I think about it the more I realised the time, it was just another way to control my ED however I do enjoy being veggie and It is for ethical reasons now.
I'm also back at college, redoing my A-levels. Still feeling shitty about life and lonelier than ever.. but what ya gunna doooo.

I cant be arsed writing anymore so i'm going to leave it there :))) I hope you liked reading it and sorry if it was triggering. I tried not to be. and i love u all lots xxxx

Summer 2014 a healthy weight 


ON A QUEST




It's no secret that I am currently recovering from anorexia - as I'm sure 90% of my viewers/followers are! And I think It's safe to say that quest bars are on of the most requested / loved health bars on instagram among the recovery and health food community! HOWEVER, they're not exactly the cheapest thing in the world.. and they're not actually available in most countries. BOO YOU. Not only are the actual product very expensive, but you have to pay ridiculous amounts of money for delivery- and in some cases, you have to pay an extra handling fee. Not fair:(

So, are they actually worth it? That is the question. I'm sure many people would agree, they are a healthy 'treat' you feel like you're being naughty by eating cookies dough, chocolate brownies and cinnamon rolls but they are in fact 100% healthy. I have to say, they're not as great as the real things.. but they come close enough. If you're prepared to pay the money.. then go for it!

My verdict so far on the flavours I've tried.. They're more recent flavours are definitely the best. Cookies and cream is to die for.. as if the cookie dough and double chocolate chunk - they're definitely my favourite flavours. However they're are ones I definitely WOULDN'T recommend the lemon cream pie- it tastes somewhat identical to (how i imagine) washing up liquid would taste! I honestly thought it was vile. Similarly the chocolate peanut butter had very little resemblance to chocolate or peanut butter.. I wasn't impressed. I'm a big fan of peanut butter so I had high expectations. I am yet to try the peanut butter & Jelly flavour - they were sadly out of stock but that is one of my favourite flavour combinations of all time! So i'm excited. The peanut butter supreme, It's one of the higher calories ones so I'm somewhat scared. The mixed berry bliss, and coconut cashew are also ones I have been hesitant to try.

If you're still on the fence about whether to buy them, They'res so many different ways to eat them.. It's endless. You can eat it 'raw' you can microwave them, you can bake them, you can shape them into cookies, you can chop them into little chunks, bake them and eat it like cereal. Quest nutrition post so many amazing recipes and ideas of how to eat them via there Instagram, you could never gt bored!