I have done one of these before, a few months back which I posted on my old IG 'HappyDaisy_' some of you might remember it, I deleted it but later posted it on my tumblr (which I'll like below if you want to read that one) but any who, I've decided to rewrite it because there was soooo much I missed out and I can write as freely as I like on here so yeah:) this could be long so pre apologies for that, but I hope you like it :)
I'll go back to when I was 15/16, I was a pretty average girl, had a fair amount of friends, enjoyed socialising, loved food, make-up, clothes, the same as any other teenage girl. However it was around this age that I began to become very aware of the way I looked, Going into year 10 I decided to take dance as an option- bare in mind you do this every single day (sometimes twice a day) every single week, you spend so much time with each other, and the dance studio was just covered in mirrors. I despised looking at myself in them, I felt embarrassed by the way I looked. Every other girl was skinny, pretty and popular. Despite these thoughts I never really acted upon them. It wasn't until May 2013- when I left year 11 for study leave that I began to gain a lot of weight, I wasn't exercising any more, I ate all day everyday. I got a new job which was working in a cafe, this meant more food and more weight gain.. until suddenly I was a week away from going back to sixth form and I realised that none of my clothes no longer fitted me and I had to go up a dress size in order to feel comfortable in my clothes.
September 2013 was when I decided to download the my fitness pal app, it was no biggie to me, I logged my meals and snacks etc, I became more aware of snacking and cut back slightly. For what I was logging (and when I look back on it I majorly under estimated it hahah) I was consuming around 1700 calories. No dramtic changes were happening. I was feeling more and more low about my weight and some nights I would just cry and cry and cry, I wasn't happy. And bareing in mind my best friend was naturally stick thin, It probably made me feel bigger!
|Pretty much my highest weight|
I remember about a month later, one of my friends came down to see me who I hadn't seen in a while, they were so shocked about how much weight I had lost but I just genuinely couldn't see it. Although it made me feel go about myself. Christmas was soon approaching and nothing had changed, I was still restricting massively, exercising at school, at home whenever I got the chance. I let myself go on Christmas day and ate whatever I wanted but I couldn't help but feel extremely guilty. In the New Year we went to centre parks for a few nights, It was soo much fun, however the more I think about it, the more I realise I didn't have fun at all, the only thing that was on my mind was exercise and finding ways to not eat. Quiet sad really.
Throughout these months I never weighed myself, I didn't have scales. The only thing I could do was measure my waist/thighs/arms etc, I look back on it and its scary how small I got, so quickly. I went from a size 14 in November, to a size 8 by February. Everyone at school began voicing there concern about my weight loss, which confused me because I never saw myself getting smaller. In February, I'd gone back to my job which I'd started last August (It was seasonal) they were all shocked when they saw me, my uniform no longer fitted me and people were saying they barely recognised me. By this time I was no longer getting my periods, my hair was falling out dramatically and I was freezing 24/7.
|Few Kg off my lowest|
My mum became concerned when she realised I was no longer getting my periods and took me to the doctors, she weighed me and measured me and I was still healthy so not much was said. I went back a month later and I'd lost more weight, I was quickly referred to a Nurse/Therapist who visited me every week to be weighed and discuss my intake etc. During May, I went through a short phase of binging, where I would binge near enough everyday, I gained a few pounds and suddenly went back to restricting, I lost a lot of weight and soon got pulled out for school a month before we broke up. I used to have to go see my mum every lunch time and eat lunch with her, which was usually a small jam sandwich and fruit. I was kidding myself thinking I was recovering. This continued all throughout June/July/August and I soon got down to me lowest weight, I became very depressed and suicidal, I couldn't bare going out with people, or even walking down the street in fear of seeing someone I knew, the only time I left the house was to go to work or out with my family.
My work became very concerned about how little I was eating, I was then supervised at breakfast and lunch by my manager, I was threatened my the boss, saying I'm going to be a danger to myself and I might no longer have a job any more, I remember crying my eyes out in a cafe full of customers, My mum and dad were away at the time, so I just felt so lonely and depressed. I remember my friend coming in to see me one day, who I hadn't seen in so long. He was genuinely shocked at how ill I looked, but It still never occurred to me that I needed to gain weight.
|During my relapse|
However, by October things had already begun to get difficult, I went to a Halloween party and one of my best friends brought his girlfriend (she apparently used to have anorexia) and before I knew it I was getting messages from my friend saying that I'd triggered her into starving herself again. She hated me but at the same time became obsessed with me. I found her tumblr and she wrote things like 'why cant I be her, she's perfect' It truly broke me and I started restricting quiet drastically again. During the midst of all of this, I had also got a new job.. at Morrisons. I think a new start was what I needed in recovery because my old job just held so many triggering memories, it just wasn't helping.
A few months went by, I was enjoying my new job- although finding it difficult, I managed to get out of my relapse and soon enough things got shitty again, But in the other direction, I started binging again, I was rapidly gaining weight and finally hit a healthy weight by my birthday. I was 18 now and things started to change, I no longer saw CAMHS or my nurse, my mum didnt get involved with the adult services and I felt more alone than ever. I'd also left sixth form because I felt so distant from it all, my family no longer believed I had an ED and convinced me not to go to my therapy sessions any more.. and as the months have drifted by things have been weird. Some days will be so care free and others will be so difficult. The only thing on my mind was that I want to lose weight, and no matter how hard I tried It just wasn't going anywhere.
I also made the decision to become veggie.. and the more I think about it the more I realised the time, it was just another way to control my ED however I do enjoy being veggie and It is for ethical reasons now.
I'm also back at college, redoing my A-levels. Still feeling shitty about life and lonelier than ever.. but what ya gunna doooo.
I cant be arsed writing anymore so i'm going to leave it there :))) I hope you liked reading it and sorry if it was triggering. I tried not to be. and i love u all lots xxxx
|Summer 2014 a healthy weight|